April 13, 2016
I have had a strong headache today. I think it’s because my constant thoughts of business.
Cara is leaving in 10 days. She will not be here for my last round of chemo. I told Manish that I may call him if I get really sick again. The only thing he could do for me to take me to the hospital. But I could do that myself if need be.
I am really getting tired of India. When I am not travelling there is nothing for me to do in Delhi except to take my medicines. And wait for my next round of chemo. And the next MRI to indicates everything.
In Kamloops I used to cry while in the MRI waiting room. For me, it was judgement day, not when I received the results.
The MRI I receive after my last round of Chemo will be THE one that will let me know the course of my life going forward. I want this prospect. So if the MRI is bad I am going to have to undergo another shit load of treatment that will drastically impair my quality of life to eek of several months on this planet.
Everything in life is determined by chance. Even where you are born to the gender or even caste in some countries. Those who tempt fate even though the consequences are real. Back country skiing, climbing and smoking come to mind. Smoking not so much. The other two can be somewhat “controlled” but chance is very real.
This shit in my head was given by chance. Two or three per 100,000. I got a better chance riding to South America and getting killed on the road. That didn’t happen. I got the fucking tumor. What can I do. This is life.
I am pretty much done with life. I need to make sure both of my life insurance policies cover shit.
I wanted to do this before I left Canada but even checking something as simple as this poses great difficulty for me. Even here in India, I am so tired all the time. It’s frustrating to see Cara with all her optimism and vigor for life. I too once possessed this life. Now I am a walking shell of what I once was.
I wonder. I feel so weak seeing what I have become. I am so far from the person who left Canada November 2009. I cannot write the same way.
Some may say my words are now dark. Paint it Black. These are my thoughts. To whom do I need to depress or impress? If anyone has read this far I would expect them to realize my situation and my reflection of it day to day. I also it is hard for people to rationalise knowing the expiration. My situation gives me this and allows me to write my thoughts. As I see it readers should reveal in what I write. My death is neither slow or fast and there is nothing that will stop it. Everyone needs to read what I write. I am not going to sugar coat it for anyone so that they “feel good inside”. This is fucking reality. A real time witness. Is there anyone left that spent time in the trenches of World War I? This is for those men, on both sides would have been worse than the shit I am about to discover. In the trenches going over the wall must have been so much worse that what I face. I have the knowledge that I have a year and a half. These young men did not have this luxury. Then there is my final month[s]. Opiates will kill the pain in my head. But I will be aware. A boy going over the wall only to be decimated will no nothing. I would prefer this way. Amongst y brethren. Fighting a common cause. Not the 2-3 in 100,000. Fuck that. It’s a pussy way to go. Not that my demise is a bitch way but there are better options. The best of man – WWI? Nah... They wanted to go. It was an adventure to many.
So, what really is man’s/women’s greatest feat? I have spent a lot of time examining this in my fuselage. Is it the arcutechural feats that, to this day cannot be created? Peru, the Maya, The Egyptians. There are so many structures that define engineering today. Or, for some, it’s the Gods that have been created and are still worshipped today.
In my travels, I find anyone that worships a 2000 year old prophet or a seventh century prophet to be delusional.
To many God is a someone as is Moses or Abraham.
God is a belief. Yeah “disciples” wrote books on their perception of what their gods wanted for us to follow but for want?
The ultimate is belief. And for believe, we need an idol. My idol – now - is Vishnu (the protector), Hanuman ji (the fighter) and to a lesser extent Shiva. But I love Shiva. As my end is near Shiva will develop my thoughts. For now, its Hanuman ji and Vishnu because they are still fighting and protecting me however, The Giver and Destroyer – Lord Shiva must be acknowledged and all others abandoned. I reveal upon this day. I have so much respect for Shiva. I see a clean, beautiful and painless passing with him.