I am now back in the UK after one of my most bizarre and scary weeks ever. It started with Sue coming out to Croatia for a week, a girl I dated briefly, in fact very briefly we had one date last year! Anyway I picked her up in Korcula and it all started very well and we got on nicely, say no more. Although Sue was very cagey about her age and wouldn't reveal it but a couple of days later I needed to phone the office with her details. She reluctantly handed me her passport, it wasn't till I was on the phone that I realised her age and burst out laughing, she was 48! I just found out she was oldest person that I had ever slept with, that and the fact she had kept it a secret meant I couldn't resist taking the piss for the rest of the day, I know I shouldn't have but I was in a state of shock, so apologies to all you women out there. Anyway that night we went to Polace on the island of Mjlet, now this is now favourite place on the flotilla itinerary as we had grown very good friends with the brother and sister Andrianno and Matea, who ran the restaurant we went too and it was one of the most beautiful settings on the trip. It also traditionally turned into a big drinking night with Max, myself and Andrianno. It all started off very well, a good evening was being had by all and a lot of alcohol as being consumed; I was being fed a few grappes (totally evil drink) by the parents of the Clampetts who kept apologising for the kids who had been trying to their best to wind me up. Later in the evening I fell asleep in the restaurant, Sue woke me up and tried to get me to go to bed but initially wouldn't go as was very confused as to where I was, so Sue went off to get Max's help, but I had gone off to the boat anyway as I came round and sat in the boat cockpit waiting for Sue. Unfortunately Max decided he would try and take advantage of the situation when Sue started talking to him saying how upset she was about me taking the mick (once again I apologise) about her age and he started to come onto her. This continued back to the boat only yards away from where I was sat, totally oblivious to Max and I sat and listened to him asking Sue for sex. Unbeknown to me Debs was also listening to this from behind me, so when Max stepped on the boat after being rebuffed by Sue, Debs launched into him. Debs is only about 8 stone when wet but she was giving him a good punching and verbal abuse, Max shoved her away that's when I stepped up and smacked him one, now I'm not particularly proud of this but I think I was justified in this situation. Once things had calmed down Max went off with the phone threatening to call the police but he got talked out of it Andrianno. The next morning when I got up, much to my surprise, I found Debs and Max (displaying a nice shiner) sat in the cockpit holding hands. Debs asked me to phone the Keith the base manager which I did, he asked me why I had punched Max, which I told him but Max had denied. I agreed with Keith to save any further hassle to leave the boat and quit the job, which I wasn't totally unhappy about. So Sue and I packed and left the boat waiting for the ferry that evening to leave the island. Now this is where it gets even sillier if at all possible, Sue and I went into the National Park to do the tourist bit and waste some time, when I got a phone call from Keith telling me to get out of Polace as the police where on their way to arrest me. Max, not happy with the fact that I had left, had gone to the Dr's and told them what had happened so the Dr had to call the police. So I was now officially a fugitive in Croatia and on the run. I next got a phone call from Andrianno saying the police were there and he had put my bags in his car and would come and pick from the National Park and take me to Sobra the next ferry port, which he did and I am eternally grateful. We had a very nervous wait at Sobra before the ferry came, hoping the police wouldn't catch up with us. However, 5 minutes before the ferry was due to arrive I saw the police car coming down he mountain, I didn't see much point in running so I prepared myself for the worst and stood by the road ready for my imminent arrest, only for them to drive straight past me!! We got back to Dubrovnik and was hidden in the Marina for a couple of days, Max found out about this and started threatening to sue Keith and Sunsail wanting me handed over to the police, saying I wouldn't be able to get out of the country Interpol would find me!! So dyed our hair, donned raincoats and we moved out of the Marina into a very nice 5 star hotel and just our best to enjoy our few days in Dubrovnik,. We met some of the guests in there for a drink who had all generally sided with us, one a Wigan lad said that was the perfect safe house; nobody would expect a Yorkshireman in a 5 Star hotel. The last hurdle was the airport, I wasn't sure if the police would catch up with me there or not, when we were sat in the terminal a British and a Croatian came in and appeared to be looking for someone, so my heart started to get really worried again expecting imminent arrest. However, it turned out they were with some UN officials, they obviously had bigger things to worry about than me. The whole thing would have been funny if it hadn't been in a foreign country. So my first foray into civilian work ended me as a fugitive and on the run, I am now trying to sell the film rights. The most annoying part about all this is that I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to all the friend s I had made out there, so hopefully will go back one day because Croatia and its people are wonderful.